Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Is A-Rod Human?


When I began conceiving this post I wasn't sure whether I was seriously Pro or Anti-AROD. Ok, clearly a lie...I love the man. BUT, as blog psychologist, I must simply assess the issue at hand in a firmly objective fashion.

By definition, A God Complex is a psychological state of mind in which a person believes that they have supernatural powers or god-like abilities.

Clearly A-Rod doesn't merely "believe" he has supernatural powers....He KNOWS he does.

Therefore, by my estimations, A-Rod IS GOD, and this is a completely unbiased fact.

Now, we all know this immortal being well enough that I don't have to go over his pre-legendary life. However, not many of you know his ex-wife--Cynthia Rodriguez.

Cynthia is clearly a tramp. While she recently divorced our modern-day Caesar, she clearly didn't understand that maintaining a relationship with a legendary baseball player requires a few lessons she could have easily learned from her good friend, Madonna.

First, and most importantly, as A-rods wife, you CANNOT drink the water of mere mortals. You MUST DRINK THIS:

Kabbalah Water and/or ENERGY DRINK

More...

Now, understandly, given the plethora of H2O brands, this is only a minor mistake by Cynthia. Fortunately, A-Rod gives all his women three strikes.

See, Alex is a busy man. In fact for him, workin' the "hot corner" gets less steamy every day he CAN'T get down with his fair-skinned sagsack. As such, it is important to send him subtle messages of the sexual nature while his highness battles teams in far away lands such as San Diego, Seattle, and even Elijah Dukes' hometown of Tampa Bay.

More importantly, when Daddy gets home from a long road trip, it is necessary to support him to the FULLEST:

EPIC FAIL, Cynthia.

For those of you who can't make that out, her shirt says FUCK YOU. Not a way to get the juices flowin'. Madonna, on the other hand, has her shit on lockdown:

I don't think I even NEED to show you the Britney Spears one - it's probably too much girl-on-girl to handle in one sitting.

In any case, fantasizing is a huge part of any baseball players daily routine. It doesn't matter whether you're Sidney Ponson and primarily fantasize about fat Bermudan chicks, or you're just Paul Lo Duca and settle for a nice Abigail Breslin-type...Madonna's contributions to betterment of Alex's life at third base are CLEAR. Two strikes for Cynthia "C-Rod" Scurtis.

Rule number three for maintaining a relationship with A-Rod is quite self-evident...Whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK DUMBER than Johnny Damon's wife:

Okay, so you passed that test. Maybe there's still hope for you yet, Cynthia Rodriguez. Divorces are a lengthy process, but if A-Rod continues hitting .136 since you dropped the D-Bomb on him, he will probably strike you dead via lightning bolt before the next Yanks-Sox series.

2 comments:

walsh said...

My favorite post yet. As far as I can tell, A-bomb/dong/genius is at minimum a demi-god, undisputedly. Love it Herman.

Sam said...

This explains perfectly why Alex didn't want to compete in the Home Run Derby- if he plays, he has to pretend to not be able to hit as many home runs as he wants, or else everybody will know that he is God and attempt to kill him.

Good call, A-rod.